You cannot heal in the same place that made you sick.
~ Our Mindful Life
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Toxic unions don’t have one simple definition. There’s not a ‘one size fits all’ list. It could be a situation where dishonesty and disrespect have brought you to the brink. Perhaps it’s the emotional abuse and infidelity. Maybe it’s negative communication and control.
It could be a combination of the above or something else entirely.
Whatever warning signs and words we use to articulate what’s happening, it all boils down to one four-letter word.
Harm.
How we feel about and in the relationship is tied to behaviors causing damage. At times we’re on the receiving end. But that’s not always the case. And sometimes, a little introspection is necessary.
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It’s Not You, It’s Me
Relationships are a two-way street (or three, depending on how you roll). The point is, our interactions with our partners are like a roadmap. They’re similar to the GPS (global positioning system) of our future together.
So when that road is filled with toxic waste, we’re bound to feel lost and afraid. Hell, we might even ‘stay the course’ hoping that eventually, all that debris will disintegrate.
The problem is sometimes we’re so busy blaming our partner that we ignore our role in the union. Sometimes we’re so consumed with pointing fingers and attacking our significant other that we lose a grip on our words/actions.
To be clear, this is not about excusing your partner, if they’re the toxic one. Not at all. If that’s the case, you already know it.
What we’re talking about here is when it’s not them, but indeed us. It’s about acknowledging our unhealthy behavior patterns. Unveiling what’s going on with us can help self-compassion set in.
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Evaluate The Signs
Just as we mentioned, there are warning signs. Often they’re easy to spot in our partner but less obvious upon introspection. Sometimes we choose to ignore those signs.
HuffPost lends us a hand. In their article, marriage and family therapist, Grace Choi offers several insights on “unhealthy patterns when either partner feels unsafe, unsupported or unacknowledged ― or even attacked or controlled.”
When working with couples, I would define toxic relationships as ones where there are consistent patterns of harmful behavior occurring between the two individuals.
What often contributes to ‘toxicity’ in a relationship is when one or both individuals fail to take responsibility for how they have contributed to the breakdowns in their communication and connection. Toxic relationships can be repaired, but take time and commitment by both individuals.
Further along, Choi and other experts in the field highlight other signs.
- Communication — avoid shutting down and/or picking fights
- All-consuming negativity — criticizing or attacking your partner, rather than uplifting them
- Expectations — be careful of ‘assumptions’ (your partner should ‘know how I feel and what I want’)
- Complete control — being obsessive about controlling finances or making decisions for the both of you, rather than considering your partner
- Maladaptive behaviors — physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse; manipulative tendencies, not respecting your partner’s boundaries
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The Takeaways
Perfection does not exist — not within us nor in others. In accepting this, we can begin to understand that we are flawed beings. We can start the journey to getting to know ourselves better.
It’s not about beating ourselves up.
Instead, it’s about holding ourselves accountable in our relationships and with ourselves. By being willing to see the warning signs, openly and honestly, the road to healing and reversing the damage can begin.
Because when you know what the poison looks, feels, and smells like, it won’t catch you by surprise….and you’ll be well-positioned to reject it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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