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There are three elements that create the perfect monster for humans, according to a fictional Japanese character. But what if we took a step back and applied this list to fear itself? What might we have to learn about ourselves and our fears in the process?
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Fear, an emotion shared by every human being.
It certainly is a strange emotion for anyone to deal with, let alone truly comprehend. We habitually run away from the objects of our fears when they manifest themselves in reality; yet many of us clamor to the movie theaters to see the latest horror movie with hopes it can scare us right out of our seats. It seems we humans have a “love-hate” relationship with fear: we try to avoid fear at all costs while concurrently and subconsciously understanding that we cannot live without it.
Quite a strange irony when you give it some consideration. Or is there something else at work here?
One way to look at this universal phenomenon is to consider our instinctual need to experience fear as a kind of subconscious call to an essential reality of the human experience. Perhaps our weird desire to be frightened speaks to an aspect of our lives we rather not examine too closely, least we find the proverbial abyss of fear staring back at us; or as Miriam Greenspan explains this social phenomenon:
But despite our fear, there is something in us that wants to feel all these emotional energies [both positive and negative], because they are the juice of life. When we suppress and diminish our emotions, we feel deprived. So we watch horror movies or so-called reality shows like Fear Factor. We seek out emotional intensity vicariously, because when we are emotionally numb, we need a great deal of stimulation to feel something, anything. So emotional pornography provides the stimulation, but it’s only ersatz [artificial] emotion—it doesn’t teach us anything about ourselves or the world. – Miriam Greenspan in The Sun Magazine, as quoted by Brené Brown in Rising Strong
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In a particular Japanese movie, one of the main characters gives the three factors that create the perfect monster—elements that absolutely terrorize people. The three elements are:
- “A monster should not talk.”
- “A monster’s identity should never be revealed.”
- “A monster is meaningless if it is not immortal.”
A very good list in my opinion: a monster that cannot be seen, does not speak, and cannot be killed or overcome is the magic cocktail for the perfect monster flick (perhaps too perfect). But what if we took a step back and applied this list to fear itself.
Fear is most potent when…
- It does not speak or cannot be spoken of.
- Its identity is never known or revealed.
- It is perceived as absolutely immortal or invulnerable.
That, my friends, is the real perfect monster! When one’s fear takes on just one of these elements, it quickly becomes overwhelming and dominates a person’s life. Franklin Roosevelt’s most famous quote comes to mind, “The only thing we have to fear is… fear itself.”
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The potency of fear cannot be underestimated. It is a powerful force when left unchecked; a force that can lead to destruction of self and others. Thus, many counselors and well-being gurus shout mantras like “confront your fears,” “conquer your fears” to motivate their pupils not to let their fears dominate their lives. Such platitudes are spoken with good intentions, but I have found that such notions tend to miss the greater purpose of fear.
Fear is not meant to be “confronted” or “conquered” in an adversarial sense—as if it can be vanquished once and for all. Fear is meant to be experienced, to be known or heard, and then to be let go throughout one’s life. Only then, in my opinion and experience, can fear cease to be one’s perfect monster.
Taking another look at the three elements of terror in light of this perspective…
How else can fear become known or revealed unless it is first experienced mindfully?
How else can fear speak to you or be spoken to others if you do not intently listen to its message?
How else can a phoenix-like fear become less all-powerful if you cannot learn to let it go after momentarily witnessing it?
Each of these steps and processes are by no means easy for anyone—believe me, I know from personal experience! But the personal insights, wisdom, and overall peace one can garner from enduring such a grueling process are very much worth the struggle. (Want an example? Read one of my more recent articles where I share how a moment of panic helped me understand my personal boundaries better.)
Furthermore, people can also try to mitigate a person’s fear by telling them how his or her fear is an illusion, “It’s not real, so get over it already.” Again, this is said with good intentions but falls short of the actuality of fear. The reality is that one’s fear is real—the object or messages of the fear may be illusionary, but the fear itself is always real! Always! To deny this reality is to deny the veracity of the emotion, which in turn denies the person and his or her unique experience.
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Men are not excluded from having fear—even irrational ones—and yet so many men are conditioned to believe that to have fear is to be weak, to be less than a man even. This “societal duty” is hoisted upon boys and men for the sake of everyone else around them. In short, if “the man” in a scenario can have and show no fear, then everyone around him can feel better, more safe or less fearful, because of his stoicism.
But how can a boy or a man deny his fear in order to remain strong for everyone else? Often, he has to turn to one or more of the three elements listed above in order to suppress it. Doing so usually leads to a slippery slope as the fear morphs into the perfect unconscious monster that haunts his every thought and action. Eventually, if it is never mindfully addressed by him, a man can become completely undone by his now-monstrous fear.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that men need to fully experience their fear all the time. There are situations where men and women need to rise above their fears in order to overcome imminent obstacles or survive a life-threatening environment. It is when we chronically suppress of fears over weeks, months, or years that leads to the devastating effects I am addressing here.
There is a time and a place to experience any emotion, including fear. If you never give your fear the time and attention it demands from you, it can devastate your relationships and your life.
The key is not to either suppress or conquer your fear; the key is to accept it as a part of your humanity—as much a part of you as your arms, eyes, and heart physically are. If your hand is hurt, you feel pain and act accordingly to address what has or is still hurting you. So it is with our fear: when we experience fear, something within us is trying to warn us for good reason, even when it’s over something irrational. To suppress or ignore that emotional alert is like ignoring the pain you feel when you stepped on a nail—ignoring the pain won’t make the problem or injury go away, in fact it will make it worse.
Acknowledge your fear when it arises within you, it has something important to say. But don’t let it control your thoughts or actions either. A delicate balance to develop in anyone’s life.
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So if you are reading this and are struggling with fear—no matter how trivial or great it may be—here are some methods to consider implementing in your struggle that I have found useful in my own life:
- First of all, remember to BREATH! Seems obvious enough, but absolutely vital nevertheless, especially when you’re in the mist of surging fear. Practicing a simple breathing exercise can mean the difference between getting lost in fear and finding your way back to stable ground.
- Practice simple mindfulness techniques when you are fearful and when you are not. The more you can practice mindfulness when you are not full of fear, the more likely you can practice it when you do experience overwhelming fear. Being mindful while in the beginning stages of fear can help you better understand yourself and the emotional messages that’s coming up within you.
- Take a moment to simply sit with your fear in a private, safe place. As I explored in an earlier article, sometimes the best thing we can do for our self if we are struggling with emotional hurt is to simply feel the emotions through. Doing so in a private and safe place can give you the space to mindfully experience the emotion and the messages it may be conveying to you.
- Talk it through with a close friend, family member, or mental health professional you trust. Oftentimes, it is not enough to just experience the emotion yourself. Sharing your emotional struggle with those you trust the most and can listen to your struggle without judgment can be equally helpful to process and understand your fear.
- Be open to confront the messages and objects of your fear at a pace and setting that is comfortable for you. Again, not in an adversarial sense to utterly vanquish it, but as a way to reality-check your unconscious perspective that may be triggered into a fearful response. (If you’d like a more practical example of this process, feel free to read my article on learning to work through my fear while dancing.)
- And Most Important: be KIND to yourself through it all! For example: “Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love. Know you’re not alone and lean into the feelings. Self-Compassion = Self-Kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness” (quote credit to Kristin Neff).
Photo Credit: Getty Images
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